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We’re All Full Of Shit

Or “The Secret of Discovering The Truth About You”

Years back, a hypnotist hit me with some wisdom that stuck:

There’s what people say they want, what they think they want, and what they actually respond to.

What they say may not be what they actually think.

And even what they think (at the surface) usually doesn’t line up with reality.

What they do gives better hints… but the final word is results over time.

The closest glimpse you will ever get of someone’s soul is watching their results over time.

It’s a hint of the truth about them.

The hypnotist was talking about relationships, and how our partners can mislead us… consciously or unconsciously.

That’s useful.  You gain a great deal when you understand this about others (when you realize most of the lies they’re telling you are lies they told themselves first… it’s a real game changer).

But you gain a great deal more when you understand this about you.

Another way of looking at it is What you say vs What you think vs What are your results in the long run.

Over time, this is easy to see in people.  Some of us talk a good game… But results tell us more of the ugly truth than we’ll ever admit.

To see this, particularly in yourself requires sincere desire to observe clearly. When you can relax your body and your mind, you can begin to relax your judgment… begin to let go of the good/bad (right/wrong) filter we put on everything. Then you can go beyond what you say, what you think, and even what you do, you can notice your own results over time. When you see this with minimal judgment…

It can be a hint of the truth about you…

This will unleash a profound freedom and deeper relationships with others and yourself.

No matter how close you get, you should always be cautious who you are honest with… but you want to do your best to always be honest with yourself. Self-deception is much more destructive than deceiving others. When you deceive others knowingly, you always have the choice of being more honest with them, or avoiding those people that you feel you need to lie to. When you lie to yourself, your limited ability to recognize truth is limited even further.

We all have some mental version of an idealized life we want to live.

If you can put down judgment for a moment, you can ask yourself:

What do you really want?

What have your results been up until now?

That’s your starting point.

All that remains:

GET STARTED!

Keep your sword sharp, Stoic.

Ben

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Why You Are A Stranger To Yourself


As Jim Morrison sang: “People are strange, when you’re a stranger.”

And we’re all strange. We’re almost all strangers to ourselves.

But why?

Because we don’t know what we really want… because it’s safer to want what others think they want than to take a chance on really discovering yourself.

The doorman from Fight Club said: “If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t.”

But if you are willing to explore your heart’s desire… the benefits are many.

First… when you succeed, the satisfaction will be profound and lasting. The next raise, the next toy, and the next personal best in the gym all ring hollow if they aren’t related to your mission.

But when your goals and breakthroughs are tied to something special to you… when you feel all of them filled with meaning… the journey is amazing, the destination is amazing, and you’re excited to discover what comes next.

Second… one of the most powerful gravity switches is having meaningful goals.

When you discover what you really want, and why you really want it, you take a step away from the herd.

You stand out.

You build gravity.

The ones who actually follow their heart (easy to talk about, not easy to do) become leaders… intentionally or otherwise.

So here’s to your leadership.

Here’s to your meaningful mission

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How To Fight The Epidemic Of Creepiness…

Young men get a bad rap for being creepy.

It’s true of course.

But it misses the point.

We’re all pretty damn creepy.

Including the women accusing men of it.

What is creepy?

We’ll answer that in a sec.

In 2008, I was at a bar with a friend. We were out on the patio, and we were out of smokes. We saw a girl smoking, and asked her if we could bum a cigarette. She gave us a smoke, then gave us a look, and walked away as if she was avoiding lepers. I was a bit drunk, and now we had a cigarette… so we enjoyed the smoke and I didn’t think about it for the rest of the night.

But the next day, it bugged me.

I was trying to figure out what disgusted her so much. I still can’t be sure. But I know why I was mulling it over. I felt like crap. Why did I put myself in that position? Either cigarettes were important, and I should bring enough… or they weren’t important, and I shouldn’t be begging for them.

When you know you could have done better but you didn’t, you feel like trash.

When other people are involved, it will feel worse.

And no matter how weak and creepy they are… they will look down on you for it.

Creepiness is neediness.

Creepiness is weakness.

Creepiness is knowing you could have handled business, but you didn’t.

When you sense it in yourself… they will sense it in you as well.

Ideally, you get to the point where you don’t need anyone. You can still enjoy them… but you don’t need them.

This is an ideal I don’t expect any of us to reach. But each step you take in that direction makes you a little stronger.

Spend some time thinking about where you’re needy… and how you can begin to let that go.

Do this, and you will begin to put an end to the creepiness in your life.

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New Year’s Resolutions, or Real Solutions…

How much can 5 minutes of daily play change your life?  Let’s find out.

New Year’s Resolutions are like goal setting baked right into our culture… obviously a good thing, right?  But according to the mighty Google, “On average, 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail by the second week of February.”  Perhaps a good idea with poor execution?  And if that’s the case, how do we improve the execution?  How do we get the ‘New You’ to stick?

Years back I did a series of videos called New Year’s Real Solutions.  The ‘clever’ wordplay is fun (for me at least), but it isn’t the magic that makes this work.  Learning to see this in a new way is the magic that changes everything.  That can start with a different description.  Realize that what you are about to do isn’t what you’ve done before (no matter how many times you think you’ve done this, before).  When you begin to understand that every time you come back it’s a little bit different, you start to realize that as long as you pay attention… it’s always new!

The next step is to take the time to get clear on where you want to go, and how you will get started.  The easiest way to do this is to begin with SMART Goals:  Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time-bound.  If you’re not familiar, or need a refresher, here’s an article on them:  www.Toastmasters.org/magazine/magazine-issues/2022/aug/smart-goals.

I would guess that most people have been exposed to SMART goals in some area of their life.  But most people still don’t put this level of thought and effort into their stated goals (which is why they don’t get clear, and usually don’t get started).  And even those that use SMART goals, rarely come back to them consistently.  How do we make better use of the tools we already have?

Here are some tips to do just that:

  1. Keep in mind this is play.  It’s exploration.  It’s discovery.  It’s fun.  Remember this attitude and you’ll quickly see and feel yourself building more and more positive momentum toward your goal.
  2. Pick 5 to 10 big but not unreasonable goals for the coming year.  Write them all down.
  3. Pick the most important 1 (usually the most meaningful goal for you, or the goal which will have the most impact in your life), and run it through the SMART process.
  4. Work out some daily habits that will make your goal almost unavoidable.  Start practicing one of them daily.  Get a friend for accountability.
  5. Write the goal and/or about the goal every day.  A sentence or two is fine.  Keep getting clearer on what your life looks like after you have achieved your goal.  At first, all this can take place inside 5 minutes a day.  Once you develop momentum, it will start taking longer, but at that point, you’ll be having fun.  You’ll be excited to squeeze in a little more time to make your goal into reality.

I remember hearing about this sort of stuff when I was younger.  Then I would think “I’m not doing all that junk!”  Back then, I wanted goal setting, affirmations, success meditations, etc. to be the magic bullet that saved me from having to do work.  What I’ve realized is that all these techniques are just methods of getting you more curious about and committed to your goal.  Once you’re truly curious and committed, the techniques don’t matter nearly as much.  You feel the fun momentum of “I’ve got to figure this out.”  At that point your goal has become almost unavoidable. 

The real question comes down to this.  Do you really have a goal?  Do you really want it?  One lifetime doesn’t last long enough for a person to do, have, and be everything.  But there’s always time for the most important things.

So pick what’s most important for you… Your own Real Solution… and make it happen this year!

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How About A Brain Sandwich? (Instant Speaking Confidence)

Relaxation helps focus.

The more you can focus in on your speech and your audience… the more brilliant a speaker
you will be.

But how can you relax quickly and easily before you speak?
The long-term answer is a consistent practice of systematic relaxation.

The quick answer is the brain sandwich.
What’s a brain sandwich?
Glad you asked! Here’s a picture.
Where Members master their communication, public speaking, and leadership skills…

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As you hold one palm over the forehead, and the other palm on the occipital plate, close your eyes and take three deep
(deep into the diaphragm, not deep as in ‘big’), slow breaths. Where you notice tension or stress, let go of trying to fight
it or resist it. Acknowledge it. Then, to the best of your ability, let it go. Notice how you feel after this. Then take all the
freed-up energy and pour it into your speech or whatever else you need to focus on.
The fight or flight response (stress, anxiety) tends to direct blood away from the newer parts of the brain. We don’t
need them to fight or flee. The brain sandwich along with slow breathing helps blood circulate throughout the entire
brain encouraging calmness and creativity.


But if I do this in front of people, they’ll think I’m weird!
Correct.

But if you are working from home, it doesn’t take much creativity to figure out how to make this work. In addition, if
you practice somewhere away from other people consistently, then when you just take 3 deep slow breaths you will still
get some of the same relaxed focus you get from practicing the full brain sandwich.
Delicious!